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Ask Amy: Pal makes couple really feel dangerous for not giving her more cash


Pricey Amy: My husband and I stumbled into an superior friendship final yr across the holidays, after we met “Chelsea.” (We’re all middle-aged.) Because the friendship progressed, we traded presents or small favors.

Then we got here to study that Chelsea remains to be residing at dwelling along with her getting old dad and mom, and though she works full time, she is all the time broke.

She requested to ship her Amazon packages to our dwelling (claiming she lives in a high traffic space and doesn’t need them stolen), however we had been uncomfortable after she did this greater than as soon as. We consider it’s largely on account of making an attempt to cover her purchases from her dad and mom, as a result of she clearly has out-of-control spending habits that led to her residing with them within the first place.

Lately, her mom grew to become ailing, leading to a prolonged hospital keep. Chelsea missed work. We had been sort sufficient to wire funds to her for additional meals or incidentals, however then I noticed her posting on Fb about how broke she is and the way she by no means will get the assistance she wants when she asks for it. She mentioned she will be able to’t catch a break.

We’ve additionally been made to really feel dangerous after we couldn’t contribute extra to her “sick dad and mom fund.” I really feel as if I can’t put up any optimistic issues we do with out her being upset and expressing her want for extra. Why is it as much as her pals to bail her out? Weren’t we sort sufficient?

— Feeling Unappreciated in Ohio

Unappreciated: A few of “Chelsea’s” behaviors are typical of individuals operating scams. Traditional “tells” are befriending somebody in a short time, establishing a transactional relationship, asking for favors after which money — and rising the stress. (You shouldn’t have wired her cash for meals. If you happen to believed she wanted meals, you might have given her groceries.)

I’m not saying that she is intentionally operating a rip-off, however the impact is similar: You give, she takes, she asks for extra, then she piles on the stress. I counsel you narrow ties along with her, in particular person and on-line. She’ll have to seek out one other mark.

Pricey Amy: I’m a single man and dwell close to my dad and mom and siblings. We’re fairly shut, besides that we’ve very completely different beliefs and types. In our household, there’s a fixed stream of birthdays, holidays, household celebrations, and so on.

My dad and mom even have a lake home they bought a decade in the past, and so they continuously invite me to remain there over weekends — despite the fact that I remind them every time that I work weekends. In spring/summer time, it appears as if there are one or two household occasions per week, and I get burned out. I want I might attend one monthly.

If I say I don’t need to come to an occasion, they get very upset and repeatedly ask me to point out up. It’s all the time a battle. I’m 37, however really feel 17.

How can I get out of those fixed household occasions with out shifting to a different a part of the nation? Is mendacity acceptable on this case? I might inform them I’ve to work.

Nameless: It appears mendacity may not be efficient, given that you just inform your of us that you must work on weekends, and so they both don’t consider you, overlook or just need to just remember to really feel included on each invitation. Individuals have completely different social attitudes and aptitudes. You may have the best to conduct your social life the way in which you need to.

You need to inform your loved ones members: “I recognize how shut we’re, however I get overwhelmed by the variety of household get-togethers. Once I say no to an invite, please don’t take it personally, and please don’t stress me about it. I merely get burned out. I really want you to respect this.”

If you happen to proceed to really feel crowded, badgered or pressured, then make use of a firmer: “Bear in mind? No means no.” You’re an grownup. If shifting away from household is important to your personal sense of autonomy and independence, then it is best to think about it.

Pricey Amy: In your response to “Nervous,” you identified what number of of your questions concern individuals inviting themselves to trip at others’ houses.

When a good friend of ours, a Florida resident, grew to become bored with the virtually fixed guests in the course of the winter season, she in the end got here up with this response: “I might like to see you! Let me know once you get settled in your resort, give me a name and we are able to meet up.”

Reader: Boundaries are sometimes born of desperation.

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content material Company.

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