Our father died over a decade in the past; a few years later, Sharon had a relationship with one other older man — who has additionally since died. Sharon continues to take care of contact with our children — who now have younger kids of their very own.
When Dad was alive, she hosted an annual vacation gathering, and despite the fact that he has handed, she continues to hold on the custom. My older siblings and I consider that carrying on this custom with our members of the family has run its course, and we aren’t concerned about collaborating.
Our kids, nonetheless, relish within the lavish presents Sharon gives and proceed to attend — even going as far as to “guilt” her into it when she has expressed her want to finish it. (My opinion is that she enjoys the eye.)
Over 10 years after our father’s loss of life, is there any obligation for his kids (myself and my siblings) to have a relationship along with her? She does have siblings, nieces and nephews in her life. Are we being egocentric in not eager to attend the annual vacation gathering? Aside from being married to our father, she’s not likely “household,” and we actually don’t care to proceed a relationship.
My siblings and I are questioning the best way to deal with this.
Drained: You and your siblings aren’t obligated to spend time with “Sharon,” however you actually ought to have a phrase together with your kids. In response to you, they “guilt” their grandmother into internet hosting a vacation gathering that she needs to cease internet hosting.
I assume it’s too late to deal with this yr, however you would possibly comply with up later by asking Sharon whether or not she needs to proceed internet hosting. Does she really feel pressured by the grandchildren? In that case, you possibly can do everybody a favor by asking your (collective) children to be extra thoughtful of Sharon and for one in all them to take over the vacation internet hosting themselves.
Pulling this obligation off her plate would possibly serve everybody’s functions.
Pricey Amy: My daughter, who’s in faculty, is attending a marriage in her boyfriend’s household. Considered one of his aunts is getting married. The marriage is on the smaller aspect. The invitation got here to her boyfriend in school and was addressed to the 2 of them. They don’t dwell collectively, however they’ve been collectively for nearly a yr and have visited one another over the summer season, so our daughter has met a number of of his prolonged members of the family.
I steered that she ask for his or her registry data so she will ship a present. She appeared uncertain about doing that. Do you assume that is the best factor to do, or is she her boyfriend’s “plus one” and never anticipated to offer a present? Ought to she simply ship a thank-you notice for being included among the many wedding ceremony company? Or ought to she do nothing however attend and luxuriate in?
We actually like her boyfriend and have met his mother and father and a few of his members of the family. We simply need to advise her to do the best factor.
— To Reward or to not Reward
To Reward: It appears most rational that your daughter’s boyfriend, who’s the first visitor and in addition a member of the family, ought to take the lead concerning a present, and the 2 younger individuals can go in on it collectively. On condition that they’re faculty college students, they need to maintain their present modest. The boyfriend would possibly find a household photograph (probably of his aunt as a toddler) and have it reproduced and framed, as a present.
Your daughter ought to comply with up afterward, congratulate the couple and thank them for together with her — saying what a pleasant time she had celebrating with household.
Pricey Amy: “Downward Going through Pal” went above and past for a buddy when instances have been robust and now needs to again away.
Like Downward, I had a buddy who emotionally manipulated after which used me. I hung in there after which “slowly backed away,” as you steered. Confronting a manipulator can result in extra manipulation.
Relieved: When pondering a confrontation, it’s useful to ask what good would possibly come from it.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content material Company.